a poem for thought

i wrote this in my car while waiting to pick up my sister and just found in again in my wallet about a month later...

What is it when you feel for something absent?

A physical feeling that takes your body, but nothing to feel for.

The pain, the sensation, the yearning for something so distant,

So seemingly unattainable.

How can you feel this when the object of desire is missing?

How can you feel this when you want what you can't see?

How can you feel something you can't touch?

This feeling,

Immense, deep, and invasive.

Find me so it can go away.

The Artificial

Kyra and I have started a new photography blog called The Artificial. There is alot of confusion among some followers about what it's really all about. Basically it's a website for Kyra and I to host photographs we've taken at events, as well as some fashion on the street, and just some of our own personal stuff. For now it's just for fun, but we're hoping it will lead to paying jobs. So check us out, support us, tell people about us: www.theartificial.ca

Temps de L'amour

I was browsing through the list of blogs I often visit, and the ever popular Sea of Shoes had a link that grabbed my total interest. Jane Aldridge was helping out designer of Simone with her lookbook and left a link to the website. The front page is not only beautiful, but the song in the background is spectacular. Check it out, (the clothes are pretty awesome too): http://www.simonecollection.com/

The song ('Temp de L'amour') is originally sung by 60s Parisian singer, Francoise Hardy, but this version definitely gives off a different, sexier vibe. If anyone recognizes it, let me know!

should i be a little bit worried?

last night i had the most bizarre dream and i'm not sure whether i should be taking it as a warning sign, or just brushing it off. so here's how it went: i'm in a shoe store looking at shoes with whom i believe is my sister ayda (although i don't quite remember her face) and i'm trying on some gorgeous pairs of heels; i really really like them, but they don't quite fit me properly, when i walk in them they sort of come off my feet. then all of a sudden this couple walks in to the store, and they're in their early forties i would say. then they started preaching to us! not about god, not about the environment, but about school. they say "you gotta get out of it while you can! whatever you do, do not continue on with this!" they also give reasoning as to why but i don't quite remember. but should i be interpreting this on a personal level? by dreaming this, am i being, 'saved' from something? or is there some symbolism in the fact that 'the shoe doesn't quite fit right'? this has me just a little bit freaked out and i definitely need to think about it. should i be dropping out of school or changing programs...?

word of the day

while i was researching post-modernist art for my art history exam, i came across a new term: nihilism. defined by my dictionary widget on my macbook, nihilism is the rejection of all religious and moral principles, often in the belief that life is meaningless. the Philosophy: extreme skepticism maintaining  that nothing in the world has a real existence. WHAT?! are they seriously saying that there are people in this world who basically believe that all of what we call life is pointless? that there is no meaning to any of it? we are just inconsequential beings passing through time? i just wonder if this means they also do not believe in any form of god, well it must i suppose because those who believe in some form of god find meaning in that belief. but how does one come to such a conclusion? for them to establish this belief is to realize that nothing that has ever happened to them, none of the memories they have, mean anything. maybe i am in such a disbelief because my philosophy is that EVERYTHING has its meaning and purpose, but quite honestly i think to believe that there is absolutely no point to this life is just a little bit depressing. now i am not saying that there is one big reason why we are here, or that we are living to fulfill some sort of purpose, because i do think that meaning in life is found from within, it is only something that the individual themselves can discover and it is unique to them. there is such a vast web of things (for a lack of a better word) that link with our lives and we have tied meaning to them, or their meaning impacts us on a subconscious level. love, friendship, family, laughter, memories, heartbreak, death, birth, happiness are all things that are linked to us, that nihilists claim have no meaning, that they are all pointless. i am not usually one to challenge or even question someone's belief or religion because i accept that we are all different and there is no possible way we can all think the same way, but i cannot see how any of the things listed above can be meaningless; i cannot accept that i am here for no reason, and i will not remove meaning from all that surrounds me. 

want what i cant have... or can i?

this picture conveys the feeling i want so much right now. this picture conveys sun, which conveys warmth, this picture conveys summer, conveys relaxation, conveys fries on the beach, seagulls, the ocean, salt, friends, beach hair, dreads, music, acoustic, love, friends, ecstasy. a time when you feel yourself, a time when everything is perfect. school seems to be killing my creativity slowly, and all i want is this time. to lay on a beach and feel everything. to be with friends and just be. to know that you don't have to worry about tomorrow or the next step. even though this can be two weeks away, it's not soon enough. this is all i want to feel. this is all i want right now. this is venice beach.

even if it breaks

after attending cut copy at circa and just going mad with my camera, i took a breather and listened. and they sang something that hit me, and got me thinking. the lyrics were if that's what it takes then don't let it tear us apart, even if it breaks your heart. maybe it only hit me so fast because i had just watched vicky cristina barcelona and the themes of the film also deal with the price of love. i am just wondering now, what would i be willing to give for love? would i want to feel love even though my heart may break? or am i that person that will fear it. that i will cower at the possibility of even a hairline fracture. i can't say that i can come to a well developed opinion because i honestly have never felt the feeling of true love, so i don't know what i am being brave for. but if this feeling is a big enough deal to be conveyed through almost every great film, novel, play, painting, sculpture, song, poem and dance or even have people go crazy thinking about it, loosing sleep, loosing appetite, then there must be something amazing about it. there must be something there that is apart of us. this may be a terrible analogy, but it's like getting your wisdom teeth out. almost everyone goes through it, but there's that small percentile of people who just managed to bypass it, never having to go through the painful, yet beneficial process. i will say, that i have gotten my wisdom teeth taken out, so thats one life experience i have been able to go through, and with smooth sailing too. so now i just gotta fall in love, and have my heart broken to determine whether it even compares to getting my wisdom teeth pulled.

1 down, 4 to go

so first year of university is done and over with. how do i sum it up? well, for starters, it's exam time and i'm writing a blog. but there have been some definite highs, and definite lows. seeing friends change their minds and leave definitely comes as a shock. i guess i still haven't fully realized this isn't high school; i may be at this university for the next four years, but others may not. when that happens it only has me questioning my position at the school, in this program, and in toronto. is this really where i want to be? it doesn't help that my dad is making it seem so easy for me to come back, coaxing me with home cooked meals, a car and laundry service. a four month summer may be dangerous for my state of mind, seeming to have less responsibilities. this year was definitely a roller coaster and i have learned a shit load, so i regret nothing (ok maybe some things...) but this summer i will definitely be spending some 'me' time on the beach thinking about where the fuck my life is going. 

"i've killed my world and i've killed my time

where do i go, what do i see?"